Just between you and me...

 

I don't know what to do with little man right now. It feels like I am failing as a mother. There is something going on in his head and I just don't know what to do with it. So far it has been ADHD and the possibility of Turrets. These are things that I know aren't my fault it is a chemical and possible heredity. But now something is showing its head more and more and even to the point where the teacher had commented to me. Twice today at school had commented that he did not like himself, as well as she had said an other student had come to her saying that he had been saying that he found some glass and was going to poke his eyes out. Every time someone asks him why he says these things he said he didn't know. Is this true or is it because he does not want to say. This isn't the first time that he has said he didn't like himself, no one likes him and that he wants to hurt himself. Threatening to go and get a knife to cut himself. As well as showing anger over something but we can never get him to tell us what. You have no idea how cold that makes my blood run.

 

He says this when he is up set or does not want to do something. How much of it is manipulation and how much of it is something actually going through his mind. Last year he was showing signs of depression is this part of it? We thought with the medication it had cleared up.

 

Have I done something wrong? The wanting to hurt himself scares me. I have spent many years fighting the self mutalation aspect of my life and before anyone says anything when I had hurt myself I never did it in front of him or anyone else.

 

Am I failing him as a mother? Am I doing something wrong? I know a lot of my issues stem from my relationship with my family. Is it the same thing with him? Am I not doing something?

 

I just want him to be happy and healthy....

So lets see, it has been a long time since I have up dated here so I guess I better jump in and see what has been going on.

I wish I could say a lot has but it hasn't hehe went to a few friends houses for fire pits.  Work as been going okay for the most part and my health well we will just smile and nod.

I have still been doing pretty good with how I have been feeling and even wore shorts last week.

Nolan has been okay, just getting over a bad cold again, poor guy *frowns* seth has been healthy and has lost another tooth and it looks like another one is lose. 

We had just finished running down the street to get the ice cream man he had been standing on the side walk trying to figure out where he was since he could hear him but not see him.  And I have to laugh as I caught up to the little man (I didn't have any shoes on) there were soom other people there they had to be in thear early to mid twenties.  One guy had tattoos all over his arms and was playing it up with seth about the ice cream man hehe it was kinda cute and I was glad I still had the change I did in my wallet so seth could get something.  He only had a $1.50 on him and there was nothing cheeper then tree bucks left.

He was happy so it was good.

Um not much other then that oh and I get to try and figure out how I am going to put drops in my eyes four times a day while I am at work lol.  Not so bad though I may have to not have make up on or something for this.  Uggs not an idea I am to happy with.

 

You know what? I feel pretty good about myself and I am not sure why. I have been feeling better about the way I look. Now I know I will never look like I did when I was in high school and hell I did the math that was 12 years ago so why am I punishing myself? I have worked hard on not comparing myself to my friends whom I think are thinner and prettier then me, and I have become a little more secure in the fact that nolan is not going to take off with them, he is happy with me lumps and bumps and all.

 

I have been working on my writing again and have gotten further then I have in years I know that it still needs work but I am at least getting the rough draft down.

 

I really am not sure what is doing all this, part is the fact I have such supportive friends and they have put up with me for all these years. Nolan is being great with me right now and I really think the reaction I got from him in the dress I got for Capts wedding helped and I guess taking my medication properly again helps too.

 

I am really going to try hard to keep this line of thought going, I don't want to back slide. Next step is now to stop stressing when I go out into public this summer.

So I went and saw the doctor yesterday and it looks like the girly parts are okay so that is a relief and he has a few ideas what it can be with my IBS.  For the next few months he wants me to change my diet  a bit and see if this helps.  If not the next test is far far less then plesant.

so that means lots of veggies and all that good stuff as well as a few suplements.  He did give me something to take when the pain is bad and isn't easing off so that is good,  I am hopping that this will help

So yea there is the up date for those who wanted to know *G*  other then that life seems to be going okay I guess.

Its been a while since I have posted on here, there are a few reasons, part my life is rather dull at the moment and nothing worth posting really, another reason is what I would post would probably come across as complaining.

I know I have it good with a roof over my head and a wonderful husband but there is just something that is nagging at me and I wish I knew what it was.  I have been feeling rather down asof late and I have been having a hard time shaking it this time around.  I feel bad because yesterday I was just frustrated as hell over this place.  You couldn't tell I cleaned end to end over the week as it is again a mess.  This leaves me frustrated and feeling like that is all I do is clean around here.

Nolan has been kinda cranky all week too and he tells me that he isn't sure why he has been.  A part of me believes it but there is a part of me that isn't so sure.  He has never been one to sit down and tell me when somethign is bothering him or if he is stressed so this to does not help my mood because now I stress over what it could be.

I guess it is one of those things where I can't real win this week.  The best I can do now I guess is just make it through the day and make sure my family is happy.

Okay it has been a long time since I have posted so I guess it is time to do an update.

Last week was a week of hell for me and a lot of other people it seems.  For my end I was hit by a bus as most of you know, my shoulder feels better by the way, only a little tight from time to time but nothing a good massage wouldn't help hehe hint hint.  Seth had been sick most of last weekend.  Nolan is out of town for most of this week and most of next week too witch really sucks ass and with the games he has this weekend I won't get to see much of him at all this weeks.  Sucks yup yup.

This week is looking a little better or it was *sighs*

Ah well I guess I am just a little cranky, was woken up out of a dead sleep at five by my side today but before i get scolded I do have an appointment at the end of the month to see the doc.  A little worred now though, the pain has changed places now, I get some pain in the old place but dang it hurts like all get out now on my other side wrapping from just bellow my rib cage on my left hand side in my back and wraps around and down past my hip on front.

Yay for pain killers hehe but I am sure it is nothing seriouse and I am just being a suck.

*huggles*

Well I am off to get seth ready for the day then maybe do some baking or something.  See you all that come to the royal pizza and if not then when ever I do

So yea I am frustrated right now you know?  we have two games coming up on sat, one in the afternoon and one in the evening.  Nolan had asked his mother to watch the little man for us.  She said she would but now she is saying she may only be able to watch him for the afternoon.  Gee thanks for the warning and all.

she is also still going on about how I should have seth see the doctor we all see rather then the Ped that he is seeing at the moment .  There is nothing wrong with the doctor he is seeing.  He is the same doctor that I saw.  Yea the other doctor is closer to home and is a good doctor but still it feels like I am being pushed and bullied to do it and I am just getting flustered.

I love the woman but sometimes I wish she would just let it lie and reminding me how pale the child looks and how unwell he seems over and over is pointless. I already know he is not looking well thank you.

Guh!  I am just frustrated

okay we have all been this hungry and some how it reminds me of Seth when he really digs in his heals

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzgfGhqQ4KQ&eurl=http://icanhascheezburger.com/page/5/&feature=player_embedded

Today has ben a crappy day but not really for one particular reason.  Work went well but then found out our DM wants us to do sojmething every day as we go along so this requires us checking a list of 100 games when they are traided in...Yea that is a frigin practical use of time in the day.  We are being pushed to do something else but t hat reqires the customers to do something and we can't make them so um yea?


Seth was a monster last night and I am only hopping tonight will be better.

I am PMSing so that does not help, nolan and I had a miff last night too so that is not helping my mood this morning...

My GPGs have been really crappy this week.  Our ASM tries to remind me that it is not often I have days like this with them but still I am miffed.

I need a hug but no one is home yet and there is no comfort food in the house and payday isnt' until friday so I am SOL for that too....

Gonna go and get the boy from school and try not to lock myself int he bathroom to cry....bad week can't wait for it to end....

Okay so lets see it is fifteen minutes to two in the AM and I am waiting for the last wall in the living room to dry so I can do the last coat of paint and we will be done.  We will have to wait until the end of feb to be able to do the running boards.  God Mike, the lovely man that he is came over with the paint and showed us what to do to get the best results with this indever.  We have to wait 30 days for the paint to fully set before we put the painters tape on so that none of the paint comes off when we take it off.

So it looks good as far as we can tell just going to take some getting used to it hehe.

Seth was really sick today but he began to feel better and be back to his normal self this evening.  Poor little man was really ill throwing up all day and his head was killing him.  He even cuddled with me on the couch rather then play his DS or watch cartoons.  I am glad he is feeling better though...hehe the quiet was kinda nice at the same time.

Well...it looks like the paint may be finally dry so I am going to go look into getting this thing done so I can go to bed *G* talk with you all later!

oh I will have pictures up on Facfe Book in a bit *G*