Just between you and me...

 

I don't know what to do with little man right now. It feels like I am failing as a mother. There is something going on in his head and I just don't know what to do with it. So far it has been ADHD and the possibility of Turrets. These are things that I know aren't my fault it is a chemical and possible heredity. But now something is showing its head more and more and even to the point where the teacher had commented to me. Twice today at school had commented that he did not like himself, as well as she had said an other student had come to her saying that he had been saying that he found some glass and was going to poke his eyes out. Every time someone asks him why he says these things he said he didn't know. Is this true or is it because he does not want to say. This isn't the first time that he has said he didn't like himself, no one likes him and that he wants to hurt himself. Threatening to go and get a knife to cut himself. As well as showing anger over something but we can never get him to tell us what. You have no idea how cold that makes my blood run.

 

He says this when he is up set or does not want to do something. How much of it is manipulation and how much of it is something actually going through his mind. Last year he was showing signs of depression is this part of it? We thought with the medication it had cleared up.

 

Have I done something wrong? The wanting to hurt himself scares me. I have spent many years fighting the self mutalation aspect of my life and before anyone says anything when I had hurt myself I never did it in front of him or anyone else.

 

Am I failing him as a mother? Am I doing something wrong? I know a lot of my issues stem from my relationship with my family. Is it the same thing with him? Am I not doing something?

 

I just want him to be happy and healthy....

So lets see, it has been a long time since I have up dated here so I guess I better jump in and see what has been going on.

I wish I could say a lot has but it hasn't hehe went to a few friends houses for fire pits.  Work as been going okay for the most part and my health well we will just smile and nod.

I have still been doing pretty good with how I have been feeling and even wore shorts last week.

Nolan has been okay, just getting over a bad cold again, poor guy *frowns* seth has been healthy and has lost another tooth and it looks like another one is lose. 

We had just finished running down the street to get the ice cream man he had been standing on the side walk trying to figure out where he was since he could hear him but not see him.  And I have to laugh as I caught up to the little man (I didn't have any shoes on) there were soom other people there they had to be in thear early to mid twenties.  One guy had tattoos all over his arms and was playing it up with seth about the ice cream man hehe it was kinda cute and I was glad I still had the change I did in my wallet so seth could get something.  He only had a $1.50 on him and there was nothing cheeper then tree bucks left.

He was happy so it was good.

Um not much other then that oh and I get to try and figure out how I am going to put drops in my eyes four times a day while I am at work lol.  Not so bad though I may have to not have make up on or something for this.  Uggs not an idea I am to happy with.

 

You know what? I feel pretty good about myself and I am not sure why. I have been feeling better about the way I look. Now I know I will never look like I did when I was in high school and hell I did the math that was 12 years ago so why am I punishing myself? I have worked hard on not comparing myself to my friends whom I think are thinner and prettier then me, and I have become a little more secure in the fact that nolan is not going to take off with them, he is happy with me lumps and bumps and all.

 

I have been working on my writing again and have gotten further then I have in years I know that it still needs work but I am at least getting the rough draft down.

 

I really am not sure what is doing all this, part is the fact I have such supportive friends and they have put up with me for all these years. Nolan is being great with me right now and I really think the reaction I got from him in the dress I got for Capts wedding helped and I guess taking my medication properly again helps too.

 

I am really going to try hard to keep this line of thought going, I don't want to back slide. Next step is now to stop stressing when I go out into public this summer.

So I went and saw the doctor yesterday and it looks like the girly parts are okay so that is a relief and he has a few ideas what it can be with my IBS.  For the next few months he wants me to change my diet  a bit and see if this helps.  If not the next test is far far less then plesant.

so that means lots of veggies and all that good stuff as well as a few suplements.  He did give me something to take when the pain is bad and isn't easing off so that is good,  I am hopping that this will help

So yea there is the up date for those who wanted to know *G*  other then that life seems to be going okay I guess.

Its been a while since I have posted on here, there are a few reasons, part my life is rather dull at the moment and nothing worth posting really, another reason is what I would post would probably come across as complaining.

I know I have it good with a roof over my head and a wonderful husband but there is just something that is nagging at me and I wish I knew what it was.  I have been feeling rather down asof late and I have been having a hard time shaking it this time around.  I feel bad because yesterday I was just frustrated as hell over this place.  You couldn't tell I cleaned end to end over the week as it is again a mess.  This leaves me frustrated and feeling like that is all I do is clean around here.

Nolan has been kinda cranky all week too and he tells me that he isn't sure why he has been.  A part of me believes it but there is a part of me that isn't so sure.  He has never been one to sit down and tell me when somethign is bothering him or if he is stressed so this to does not help my mood because now I stress over what it could be.

I guess it is one of those things where I can't real win this week.  The best I can do now I guess is just make it through the day and make sure my family is happy.

Okay it has been a long time since I have posted so I guess it is time to do an update.

Last week was a week of hell for me and a lot of other people it seems.  For my end I was hit by a bus as most of you know, my shoulder feels better by the way, only a little tight from time to time but nothing a good massage wouldn't help hehe hint hint.  Seth had been sick most of last weekend.  Nolan is out of town for most of this week and most of next week too witch really sucks ass and with the games he has this weekend I won't get to see much of him at all this weeks.  Sucks yup yup.

This week is looking a little better or it was *sighs*

Ah well I guess I am just a little cranky, was woken up out of a dead sleep at five by my side today but before i get scolded I do have an appointment at the end of the month to see the doc.  A little worred now though, the pain has changed places now, I get some pain in the old place but dang it hurts like all get out now on my other side wrapping from just bellow my rib cage on my left hand side in my back and wraps around and down past my hip on front.

Yay for pain killers hehe but I am sure it is nothing seriouse and I am just being a suck.

*huggles*

Well I am off to get seth ready for the day then maybe do some baking or something.  See you all that come to the royal pizza and if not then when ever I do

So yea I am frustrated right now you know?  we have two games coming up on sat, one in the afternoon and one in the evening.  Nolan had asked his mother to watch the little man for us.  She said she would but now she is saying she may only be able to watch him for the afternoon.  Gee thanks for the warning and all.

she is also still going on about how I should have seth see the doctor we all see rather then the Ped that he is seeing at the moment .  There is nothing wrong with the doctor he is seeing.  He is the same doctor that I saw.  Yea the other doctor is closer to home and is a good doctor but still it feels like I am being pushed and bullied to do it and I am just getting flustered.

I love the woman but sometimes I wish she would just let it lie and reminding me how pale the child looks and how unwell he seems over and over is pointless. I already know he is not looking well thank you.

Guh!  I am just frustrated

okay we have all been this hungry and some how it reminds me of Seth when he really digs in his heals

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NzgfGhqQ4KQ&eurl=http://icanhascheezburger.com/page/5/&feature=player_embedded

Today has ben a crappy day but not really for one particular reason.  Work went well but then found out our DM wants us to do sojmething every day as we go along so this requires us checking a list of 100 games when they are traided in...Yea that is a frigin practical use of time in the day.  We are being pushed to do something else but t hat reqires the customers to do something and we can't make them so um yea?


Seth was a monster last night and I am only hopping tonight will be better.

I am PMSing so that does not help, nolan and I had a miff last night too so that is not helping my mood this morning...

My GPGs have been really crappy this week.  Our ASM tries to remind me that it is not often I have days like this with them but still I am miffed.

I need a hug but no one is home yet and there is no comfort food in the house and payday isnt' until friday so I am SOL for that too....

Gonna go and get the boy from school and try not to lock myself int he bathroom to cry....bad week can't wait for it to end....

Okay so lets see it is fifteen minutes to two in the AM and I am waiting for the last wall in the living room to dry so I can do the last coat of paint and we will be done.  We will have to wait until the end of feb to be able to do the running boards.  God Mike, the lovely man that he is came over with the paint and showed us what to do to get the best results with this indever.  We have to wait 30 days for the paint to fully set before we put the painters tape on so that none of the paint comes off when we take it off.

So it looks good as far as we can tell just going to take some getting used to it hehe.

Seth was really sick today but he began to feel better and be back to his normal self this evening.  Poor little man was really ill throwing up all day and his head was killing him.  He even cuddled with me on the couch rather then play his DS or watch cartoons.  I am glad he is feeling better though...hehe the quiet was kinda nice at the same time.

Well...it looks like the paint may be finally dry so I am going to go look into getting this thing done so I can go to bed *G* talk with you all later!

oh I will have pictures up on Facfe Book in a bit *G*

kay now I am in a realy bad mood, Nolan and I have been fighing seth since three the afternoon to get him to do his homework, after his last fit we put him in bed and are now fighting like hell with him.  So this is leaving nolan and I are cranky and I am trying not to snap at him. 

I had to take the third off next month because seth has no school that day and I am not to sure Roborob was not to pleased with this though can't blame him we are a little short handed at the moment.  So this does not make me feel any better for needing to try and take it slow because my side is still sore,  I need to try and do more to try and help pick up the slack aka not a happy side but what else am I going to do?

Blah just a bad day....

So I have been thinking as of late, why do we chose the hobbies we do?  Really, now some of them are easy to explain they are cool and a thrill.  So that one I can understand but what about the "duller ones"

I mean I knit and do cross stitch and what not.  Not exactly thrilling things to do hehe but I enjoy them and to tell the truth it is easy to lose track of time doing it.  I bake because my family and friends seem to like what I  make so I am more then happy to do it and I LARP because well it is just fun *S*

So my question to you is:  What is it you do and why?  What little things do you do as a hobby and why do you do it?

So lets see what I have been up to as of late?

It has been a good weekend this weekend.  Went to a movie with nolans cousin and saw My Bloody Valintine.  It was a good movie, a basic slasher flick but the 3D effects made it cool.

We just got home from taking seth outing, we went bowling and it was fun, got some running around done and now are home.  I got things done for D&D tonight so I may work on my knitting.

*S* so yea that is it oh the thrills in the Fithen household just never stop hehe

 

I thought I should put a post down since I have been worrying a few people with posts that I have out on Face book.

I have been a little moody but that is part from the season sensitivity, the fact I have not been sleeping well and the fact I have not been feeling well to.  I know not really great excuses but they are the truth.  I feel bad because it came to a head last night and I snapped at nolan.  He told me he is not angry at me but I still feel kind of bad.

One of the things that hurt I think is I realized I felt like I was being jerked around.  Now this is not directed to anyone in particular but I have asked a few people over the 2008 if they wanted to help me with a project or two I wanted to write with people and they seem all happy and sure I will type thing but then never see anything of it.  Nolan said I just have to poke people because they get busy or forget.  I can completely understand that I really can but after nudging a few times it comes down to I wish they would tell me that either they have lost interest of just don't have the time rather then saying yup yup its coming.

*sighs* I know it sounds like whining and there are some other things but it doesn't have anything to do with you all more of myself.

 

So yea I will be okay I know it sounds like I am being a suck. I have been trying to keep things to myself in hopes that it will make those around me more comfortable and happy and I know it is a really bad habbit to get back into because it ends up with me and an other ulsar or it getting to the point where I burst. Nether is not a happy thing for me. But I am at a loss as to what to do you know? I don't like telling people when they have hurt my feelings or left me feeling bad. I fear that if I do the people I care about will just turn around and leave because I said something. Unreasonable more then likely but still it is a deep rooted fear.

 

Guh I am rambling so I am going to wrap this up. *hugs

 

I Love You, I find that these are three of the most powerful words someone can use on a person.  And these seem to be the most important words there are in my opinion.

What has brought this up?  I was watching a show where a mother had admitted that she had never said these words to her children (who were grown by then) and she feels that when they try to make her feel bad by telling her how they felt because of this was emotional manipulation.  It is known that she loves them and that should be enough and it does not matter.

Now, let me tell you, as someone who grew up NEVER hearing (as far as my memory tells me) heard these words from a family member (Blood family not counting Nolan, Seth and my friends) these words have a lot of power to them.  They can make a person feel better about themselves and more secure.  Not hearing them can leave you feeling like there is something wrong with you or that you are bad in some way.

What is it about those three words?  They can be used for good, telling a person you love them to help make them feel better and wanted and worthy but at the same time it can be used to keep someone in a situation that they should not be in, he hits me but I know he loves me and so on.

I wish I had this answer, I know now I am in a loving environment.  I am told and showed that I am loved every day be it by Nolan, Seth or my friends and it helps me move on. 

I don't think I can understand that womans behavior.  Maybe she grew up in an environment similar to mine. Love is known but never said and rarely shown so that is all she knows.  But with that does she not remember how empty it leaves you feeling?  How many doubts it puts into your heart and mind?  Did I do something wrong?  What is so wrong with me that they can't tell me they love me?  Do they actually love me at all? Did she not go to sleep not wanting to wake up to feel that ache inside?  Why would she want to put her children through that?  The children said that their father told them that he loved them all the time and showed it in other ways and they loved him for that, but the mother never did.

I guess it could be the cycle I guess, it would be the same as she was beaten and then ended up doing the same to her children but it does not make it right, she knows she does it and sees no reason to change.  That has to be the most hurtful part I think.  To know you are doing something that hurts and can and will leave permanent scars and doubts (again talking from personal experience and I am so glad Nolan is so patient with me when it comes to a head from time to time) with your children.

So let me tell you before this year ends and the new one begins you.

I love you my family and friends.  I love you when I am frustrated at you, when I do not see you for a while and when I see you every day.  I love you all when you at your best and your worst.  I love you for who you are, not for what you can do for me.  I love you when you put up with my flaws and still take me back.  I love you for the fact that we can be chatting for hours at end or sitting in a room not talking at all and doing our own thing.  I love you and do not see any reason to stop doing it any time soon.  And all I can do is hope that you feel the same for me.

I love you for the year that is about the past and look forward to loving you in the next one.

So today is Yule and I have to say it was a good one so far.  We got to sleep in as seth was nice and quiet, we got up, I threw in the dinner for tonight in the slow cooker then we opened gifts.

Nolan and seth spoiled me and now I am just waiting for nolan to get out of the shower so I can go and use my gift certificate tonight.  Squeeee I get make up from a place I thought I couldn't.  *happy dance*

Seth loved the gifts we gave him and is playing at the moment and so did nolan.  The happy look on his face when he opened the He Man DVD I got him was wonderful.  I love giving gifts.  Everyone seemed to like the cookies I made this year so that leave me feeling warm and fuzzy.

We have D&D tonight so I get to give the last of my gifts out save for my little sisters and the one for nolans cousins little one,  Aww payback is a bitch as we got a real noisy toy Bwahaha!

I love you all and am going to run now and get the boys ready to brave the mall.  I hope you all have a wonderful day!

 

So yule is coming up and it is time for me to sit back and reflect on the year.

Things are going wonderfully with nolan and I.  We are like every other couple when it comes to the fact we have the occasional rough spot but nothing that is relationship shaking.  We have been told we are the "cute" couple hehe.  We are almost on our 8th year of marriage and I love him as much now as I did when we first got married.  Sure he does things that drive me right round the bend and thinking he does it just to miff me but he does things that make me feel loved even if it is just when he plays with my hair when we are simply standing there.

Things are going well with seth now that we have an idea with what is going on in his little mind.  There are other things we need to look into but we at least have a starting point.  He is doing really well in school other then one or two things and he is just blowing us away with his marks in math class.  His behavior is getting better and our relationship even though is rocky at times is getting better as well.  From time to time he does things that make me go awww maybe I am not doing such a bad job.  The other day at the mall when we were christmas shopping we came across one of those salvation army people with the bells and donation ball and put some of the change that he had in his pocket for a while.  We didn't tell him to or even point it out to him.  What a little sweetie.

My health until recently had been on an up swing so it had nolan releaved adn even though the pain in my side is beginning to worry me more and more I know that there are those out there that are much sicker and this will be something easy to deal with when we know what it is.

I have phanominal friends whom I love to death and are as far as I am concerned are my family as well which makes me lucky.

So yea I just wanted to take a moment to write down what I was thinking.

 

So, seth had an event...he hadn't had one in a while.  He used to have night terrors and it would be hell to get him out of it. Today though maybe half an hour ago he woke up upset asking dad to take the spiderman comics they had been reading together out of the room and then wanted me to take something off of his mind.  It was hurting.

confused I asked him what it was that was on his mind that was hurting.  he wanted me to write down the small answer.  So confused I get a bit of paper and he asks me to write 4+3 then the answer.  After that he said it was now off his mind and he could go back to sleep...

so yea he is now sleeping comic out here (and it isn't a scarry one it is one of the early early ones) and paper with the odd thing on his mind done.  I guess it is off to bed I go a little baffled.  I need to sleep the pain  in my side off.

Tomorrow is going to suck at work if it does not ease off....

  Well it has been some time since I have up dated, first the good things.

I have found out that my child is a pack rat hehe okay I have known this for a while but when it is seven garbage bags of stuff taken out of the room that kind of makes it clear.  And it isn't trash in the way of food and gross things like that.  But papers, and boxe from toys as well as toys he had not played with in a dogs age.  The room has now been clean since sunday and well that is a record hehe.

Nolan and I have chosen finally the paint colour we are going to paint well we have but we have yet had a chance to try the sample on the wall.  I want to try this this weekend, do it somewhere we can hide it until we paint the place.  Judy isn't to fond of the face it isn't a really light green but we are the ones living down here, paying for it and well we are going to save up and try to do some remodeling here.  We are allowed to if we are paying for it and it isn't going to effect the retail effect of the place.  But nolan and I had been given the option of buying his grandmother out when the morgage is payed off.  The only thing that is becoming clear is that we need more room.  But the way prices are out there this may be our best shot so we will see.

Seth is doing well in school there are only two things that he needs to improve on and there are a few reasons why that may be so we and the teacher are looking into it.  He is going to be getting his hearing checked by and occupational therapist through the school in the new year, either he is not hearing things properly or his hearing is to sensitive.  I know a lot of people have been telling me we are making to much out of some of the things he is doing but well.  we are his parents and we see things a lot of people don't and it happens a little to often to be just nothing.  Most of you know how our place is set up so when he is at the computer with the tv on he can't hear the computer and yet I can sitting accross the room because of the tv but then I can call him from down here up at Judys and he can hear me just fine and i am not calling loud at all.  The doctor he is seeing at the CASSA center thinks that if his hearing is to sensitive it may be hard for him to filter thins out.  Could also explain why loud sounds aggravate him.  They are also looking into his sense of touch.  There are things where little ones are in like a dirty shirt but he can't stand, the feeling of mud or getting his hands into the pumpkin to gut it are just not going to happen.

We have also talking to his doctor at the center about his fear of nolan and I dieing like Anita did.  I know that it is a normal part of a childs development to be worried about death but with how much it upsets him and he sometimes stops just shy of an nervous attack about it is enough to make me worried.  It has been nearly three or four years since her death and he still voices to people that he is worried that mom and dad are going to die.

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Um yea

So I also wanted to say I am sorry if my mind does not seem to be all with me these past few weeks.  There have been some things that have been really weighing on me heavy and it has been effecting everything around me, the way I am when I am out, my performance at work (which only feeds into the cycle)  I just want to say I am sorry if I have upset anyone.

I think part of it is I am never happy with what I do, I keep thinking I should be able to do more, do it better that it is never good enough and people are not going to be happy with me.  That I have to try and take responsibility for everything and try to get it done. 
I should be doing more at home, be a better wife, a better mother, be a better friend, better employee and so on.

 

That I am not smart enough, looking at my friends and what they do, lawyer, managers, working for the government, jobs that you need to be smart to do. I enjoy what I do and there are times I like to fool myself into thinking I am rather good at. But then I come down to earth and realize that no not really and it is just a matter of time before I am told to take a hike and they get someone better...and I wouldn't blame them. I make a mistake and I just wait for the dagger to fall and again wouldn't blame my boss he is just doing his job.

How do I teach my son to like himself when I at times can hardly stand myself?

I have been struggling to remember to take my meds, that includes my B12.  I know that if I don't take that at least I can do some permanant nerve dammage but at the same time I don't even care you know it wouldn't matter because I am not doing enough to matter to those around me.

There are times I tell nolan that I am sure that Seth would hardly notice if I am not around as long as he and grandma are there.

I am trying to work my way out of the pit I am in, I don't like it in here. I am so tired of feeling this way about myself. Easy enough for people to tell me then don't and get over it...this is one of the reasons I have began to pull within myself again. Those I do talk to about what bothers me as of late only gets just the tip of it. I know they are my friends and care but I had been bured really badly in the past with people who I trusted only to have myself slapped in the face with it later down the line.

Yea I am rambling so I am going to stop now before people begin to think I am going oh pitty me.  No I am just trying to vent and work things over in my head. But if you feel I shouldn't put it on here let me know and I won't any more

So the states has someone new in the big office.  Good but now one has to sit and think on how so angry some groups are going to be about having a black man on the throne.

I was going to say lets hope that they can be adult enough to not do something stupid but then I though wait if they were adult enough then I wouldn't have to say that would I?

I guess all we can do is wait and see what kind of lash back there is going to be....

OMG by the way Gary Gygax had a favorit charity the christins children fund so at a gen con over $17,000 dollars had been raised and was going to be donated to it in his name and what does the charity say?  No thank you.  Excuse me?  What the fuck?  ARe you kidding me?  okay so rather then taking a rather nice amount of money and useing it to oh I don't know help children they say no because it is coming from the D&D people?  Wow the world must be good then because they clearly do not need the money.

Guh!